


Too Kooky For You

by The_Real_Squoose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Also Hufflepuff Luther 2k19, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Because it's me and what do you expect, Crushes, Fluff and Humor, Good Sister Vanya Hargreeves, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hogwarts AU, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, with a touch of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-02-07 05:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Real_Squoose/pseuds/The_Real_Squoose
Summary: Klaus had hoped that his crush would die over the summer, but going into Fifth Year he was left the same awkward mess whenever Dave came around. He was too ‘kooky and spooky’ as Diego liked to say, and the moment Gryffindor’s poster-boy showed up he became ten times more kooky than usual. Unfortunately, this means his siblings have begun to catch on- and what one sibling knows, they all know. This also means that each of them have come up with their own plan on how to land Klaus a date with his dream boy.





	1. Diagonally!

 

“Fortescue’s! We can’t go to Diagon Alley without going to Fortescue’s!”

“Klaus-”

“I thought you were traditional. This is breaking tradition!” Klaus draped dramatically in the doorway, blocking the group from leaving, though they both knew Luther could easily move him. The shop was a crowded little place just off Diagon Alley, with two windows looking out onto bustling streets. It was toned in dark brown wood with touches of a caramel-colored paint and filled by long, wide, booths. They were even big enough to fit all seven of the Hargreeves children.

Luther gave a heavy sigh, looking around to see Ben quietly cheering, “Ice cream! Ice cream!” Reginald had sent them off alone, with only Luther in charge (Mom wasn’t allowed to leave the house, Pogo would be a fright in public, Reginald couldn’t be bothered to chaperone them himself), and of course, Luther took his job far too seriously. Well, at least in Klaus’ opinion.

“Allison needs a new owl,” Luther said. Klaus stood his ground.

“Do you think she’s going to get kidnapped on her way to the shop by sea-faring criminals? Swept away in the two seconds she’s out of your sight? We are _feminists_ in this household!” The rest of their siblings weren’t even paying any attention, not bothered by the holdup as they went back and forth betting on Quidditch teams. Diego was betting a Galleon on the Chudley Cannons, which was utterly ridiculous, and Five was happy to tell him so.

“I don’t know, Klaus,” Ben said, the only one listening in on their debate. “Pirates are a real threat around here. Did you hear about the parrot kidnapped while their owner was buying quills-”

“Are you going to disappear on me?” Luther cut in. Klaus could sense that he was giving up.

“No!” Ben chorused with him.

Klaus’ protest was ruined by a family of redheads entering behind him, piling into the shop one after another. He swung out of the way, letting them march past him and weave between their own group. “Look at how we’re inconveniencing these poor families just trying to get their food,” Klaus said.

Klaus looked at Luther, Luther looked at him, Klaus stared, Luther stared- “Fine,” Luther conceded. It was met by cheers. Only from Ben and Klaus, but still, cheers.

They had just finished their lunch and everyone was eager to start checking off items on their lists. And with seven of them all trying to get their own supplies, it was bound to be chaos no matter what Luther tried. He seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Klaus, because he called all the group’s numbers out until they all looked at him.

“You all have twenty minutes to get whatever only you need, then we’re meeting up outside of the Emporium so we can get quills and textbooks together,” Luther said. His siblings nodded their assent.

“Ben, don’t forget your bag- and Diego, you left your knife stuck in the table,” Klaus added, sparing a moment to mother-hen them. Ben and Diego darted back to the table to collect their things while the others rushed out the door, making their own personal blob on the street. “Geez, we take up the entire Alley.”

“Hmm, better get out of the way, then,” Ben said, holding up his bag as he returned. “Do you think Fortescue’s is a sufficient destination?”

“Why, of course.” Klaus grinned, swinging open the door and calling over his shoulder. “Thanks for lunch, Gerry!”

Diego brushed past them without a word, disappearing into the crowd. The air outside was rather stifling, considering that they were forced to wear their ‘Umbrella Academy’ uniforms all the time. It was ridiculous, really, because since they’d enrolled at Hogwarts most of their learning came from the actual institution rather than Reginald Hargreeves’ power-training.

Ben slung his bag across his body, stuffing his blazer into it as they turned towards Fortescue’s. “Gerry? You know that’s not his name, right?”

Klaus laughed. “Right, right, we just have a thing going, Georg and I. It’s all in good fun! I like to keep him on his toes.”

Ben shook his head. “Whatever you say, Kevin.”

“Thanks, Brett.” They continued going back-and-forth on their way to the ice cream shop, then through the first ten minutes of the wait. It was the weekend, the only day they were allowed time off from training, which also meant they had landed in the middle of the busiest day of the week. Klaus watched little Pureblood brats run by, noses in the air. Of course, three of his own siblings were Purebloods as well, but they were Luther, Allison, and Five, which made perfect sense to him. “How long is this going to take!” Klaus dragged out the last word as long as he could in one breath.

“Longer if you think about it too much,” Ben said, reaching up to rap his knuckles on Klaus’ head. “Wastes brain cells, you know, and I don’t think you can afford that.”

Klaus wrinkled his nose, but resolved to pout, leaning back and forth to look up the line. Too many eleven-year-olds around. He remembered his own first year- it’d been a shock, really. They’d universally believed that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell Reggie would let them go. Born and immediately gained, they’d never known life outside of the Umbrella Academy. Klaus had gotten ahold of one of the many letters sent to them, stuffed it into his shorts and ran out onto the front lawn to read it.

Hogwarts. . .it had seemed too good to be true. Not to mention completely fantastical- all made up. But then, they all had powers beyond the ordinary, so it wasn’t such an impossible thing to believe. When he told the others about the school, a school for kids just like them (though they weren’t, not exactly, as he had learned), they agreed it was a dream that would never come true. It was only when a large, friendly, man had come pounding on their door that they tasted freedom.

Another set of uniforms, another set of training, but with so much more freedom to be themselves. And that was all Klaus had ever wanted- to be himself and. . .to love who he loved. If Reggie knew about his little crush, he’d find a way to get approved for homeschooling, and Klaus would never see the light of day again. He didn’t like to think about that. Better was the thought that as long as he kept everything inside his own mind and heart, he’d stay in the Wizarding World. He’d stay where charms could keep the ghosts at bay, where there were people just as strange as him.

“Oh, hey guys.” Klaus almost didn’t recognize Hazel’s voice. It’d gotten even deeper over the summer. He froze in place, knowing full well that wherever Hazel was, his whole crew was rarely far behind. They went everywhere together- to meals, to the library, to Hogsmeade. . .to Diagon Alley. . . Klaus took a deep breath, steeling himself against whoever was going to be there.

“Agnes!” Ben exclaimed. Klaus finally turned around, seeing Ben practically jumping into Agnes’ arms and babbling into her shoulder. “How was your summer? Mine was great- hectic, but great- what did you do?”

Agnes giggled, hugging Ben back and throwing a friendly wink Klaus’ way. She was a dainty girl, with bright blonde hair and even brighter blue eyes. A little badger was pinned to the collar of her shirt, a moniker almost as ever-present as her smile. “Oh, mine was wonderful. I wish you could’ve come to that picture with us, it would’ve made things even better.”

“Picture?” Klaus said, ungracefully as _always_ because Ben winced in return.

Hazel- a boy taller and larger than Klaus, but far sweeter- gave an understanding smile, wrapping an arm around Agnes’ shoulders when Ben finally released her. “It’s alright,” he said amiably. “We know you’ve got a big family and a lot going on. I read it in the Daily Prophet! Everything you did in Romania.”

“Fascinating!” Agnes continued, “I mean, between seeing a picture and getting to live one of them. I know what I’d choose- I mean, dragons! Catching rogue dragons. . .that’s what they should be making pictures about.”

Klaus looked between Hazel and Agnes, who were acting unreasonably friendly about whatever topic Klaus didn’t know they were talking about. He felt a tap on his elbow and stepped up in the line accordingly, waiting for Ben to make eye contact with him. “You were invited too, Klaus. They were going to see a muggle movie in London. I just didn’t want to tell you only for you to know we couldn’t go. . .”

“Because of dear old daddy,” Klaus finished. Ben nodded grimly.

“I’m sorry,” Hazel said, but Klaus hated pity.

He clapped his hands, letting his arm brush against Ben for some small comfort while he changed the topic. “What brings you both to Fortescue’s? Taking a break from buying all those golden gobstones? You know, I tried using some of that gold wax they sell now instead of shaving- let me tell you, biggest mistake of my-”

“Hey, Klaus.” His existence was a curse- a crime against humanity- why did he have to be born? Was it necessary? Was it _really?_ There were a thousand other ways this could’ve gone- more than a thousand. An infinity of other gene combinations and parents and situations, so why did it have to be him? Gangly, rambly, Klaus whose parents sold him off to some rich old squib, and for what? Only for him to be standing in Diagon Alley a month before the start of term, staring his impending doom in the face. He’d never see the front end of sixteen.

“Da-aaave!” Klaus greeted, voice high and tight. He cleared his throat. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here!” It didn’t help.

Ben gave him an odd sideways look, one eyebrow twitching upwards. Mission. ABORT. They moved one measly step up in line. There were still four people trapping him in. At least they’d made it into the actual shop, in an air-conditioned or somehow magically regulated room with wide, sun-letting windows and minty blue walls. Klaus finally chanced a look at Dave, at least relieved that the boy was also exchanging pleasantries with Hazel and Agnes.

“-I did! We should go again next summer-” Dave wrapped up what he’d been saying to Agnes, and all too soon his eyes were on Klaus again. “-You didn’t answer my letters.” Damn those Gryffindors. Always straight to the point. “Are you alright? I was getting a bit worried-”

“We all told him you were fine,” Agnes said, shaking her head fondly. “Dave, you know the Hargreeves family always have a lot going on.”

“I’m sure Klaus didn’t mean to ignore you,” Hazel assured him.

Klaus narrowed his eyes. “Can I _please_ speak for myself?” Dave had an earnest look in his eyes that made Klaus’ gut twist. Dear Reginald didn’t let them send out owls, and though there were certainly ways around it, if he was being honest with himself. . .he didn’t want to answer. He’d been holding onto some fleeting hope that if he tried to cut off contact and block Dave from his mind, just for the summer, those butterflies would eventually find another home. Realize that he didn’t want them, thank you very much, and that someone like Allison would be perfectly happy to take them on instead!

“I get it,” Dave said.

“Look, I’m _sorry-”_

“No, seriously, Klaus-”

“I just couldn’t answer! I couldn’t. It’s not allowed,” Klaus said, flapping his hands around in a physical representation of his floundering. He forced them down to his sides. Klaus opened his mouth. . .then closed it again. . .then- oh, he just didn’t know what to say. Especially with those. Puppy. Eyes. Dave was a problem, a real problem, and he needed to stop!

“Our father’s very strict,” Ben picked up. “We can receive letters, but unless it’s coming from the Ministry of Magic, we’re not allowed to send anything back.” The moment he stopped talking, Klaus noticed how quiet it suddenly felt.

There had been a little bubble around them where they had been carrying on separate from all the other groups, but now there was only everyone else’s bubble and the silence in between. Klaus wasn’t even concerned in the slightest about the other crew knowing about their father’s rules. That was a secondary problem, because now that Klaus had said it, out loud, put it in the air, there was simply no way Ben _didn’t_ know that Klaus had deliberately been abiding by the rules to not owl Dave- because when had he ever done that? Every one of them, even great and mighty stick-up-his-arse-half-the-time Luther had the other side of him that snuck out to send letters.

And he knew this for certain, because Klaus had gone with Allison to steal their neighbour’s owl before, and Allison often went with Luther. He was apparently diligent in responding to every letter his Hufflepuff friends sent. . .so, back to the matter at hand. There was no way Ben didn’t know, which means he’d sleuth out the reason why, and any of the siblings knowing was a terrible, terrible, idea because none of them could keep a damn secret. Klaus was not ashamed to say that ‘none of them’ included himself. He would absolutely fess out everything if Ben kept asking, and that was just the truth of the matter. Plus, Ben was just as much a master of the puppy eyes as Dave.

So that meant that Ben was going to know, then the whole of the Hargreeves family, and that put him at a much higher risk for Dave finding out- and basically, it was going to be a mess. _And_ Agnes was looking sad- sad! Agnes, sad! It was straight-up unnatural (not that many things were _straight_ about his life, which made this quite the oddity). The silence had been weighing down on them for far too long, and silence made Klaus ramble- either externally or internally.

“The celebrity life,” Agnes said finally. Her voice was a forced sort of chipper, but it worked. “Hey, isn’t the full family supposed to be here?”

“Mmm, Luther says he’s _‘too old for that’_ ,” Klaus drawled.

Agnes giggled. “That sounds like him.” The safe little bubble returned.

“It’s great to see you,” Ben said slowly, smiling as Dave bumped his shoulder in greeting. Klaus watched something shift in Ben’s expression. “Actually, I didn’t know you were friends with Klaus. Funny he never mentioned that you two knew each other-”

Klaus jabbed an elbow into Ben’s side, ignoring his squawk of protest. “Big family. Seven people! A lot going on. Besides, Dave and I aren’t _that_ close.”

Dave gave him a funny look. “Right,” he said. Klaus flinched internally.

“Not that I don’t like you, you’re great- you’re great! The cherry on top of my chocolate milkshake!” At least that last bit made Dave laugh, a low, warm chuckle- like a drizzle of honey. Klaus realized that he’d been too tied up to even notice how Dave had changed voices too, seemingly dropping an octave lower in the sparse months since they’d seen each other.

“Speaking of chocolate milkshakes. . .” Dave said, gesturing towards the counter with a grin. Klaus jumped around, perhaps a _smidgen_ too enthusiastically, and hurried to order his ice cream alongside Ben. And of course- _of fucking course-_ like the annoying bastard of a handsome gentleman he was, Dave offered to pay for all of them.

“We should be the ones offering,” Klaus protested. “Reggie doesn’t mind where the money goes- he just throws it at us and says-” Klaus hunched over and squinted his eyes, straining his voice in his best old-man impression. “- _Get whatcha need, kiddos.”_

“Lucky!” Agnes said, before popping back out of the conversation to thank the server.

“That is _not_ what dad sounds like,” Ben said, though he laughed all the way. He hunched over even more dramatically than Klaus had, and made his words but a raspy wisp of sound. “ _Get your damn school supplies, you unappreciative children, and get out of my office.”_

“That’s him! That’s it!” Klaus cheered, clapping his hands in a circle. Ben took a little bow, scooping up his ice cream and managing not to drop it throughout one of the wide sweeps of his arm.

“On the other hand, mine tells me I have exactly one Galleon, four sickles, and two knuts to spend, and says I better buy all my new robes and textbooks with it- he’s ridiculously cheap,” Dave said. The group laughed, Klaus poking fun at the tattered vest Dave was wearing, but apparently, “It’s all part of my style!” And then it was too late for any more protests, because Dave had already handed the server behind the counter the money for all of them.

“Such a sweetheart,” Agnes said, and Klaus could’ve sworn she was itching to pinch Dave’s cheek. “Why’d I pick this one when I could’ve picked you!”

She jerked her thumb at Hazel playfully, and he caught her wrist with a laugh. “Oh, wait a minute!” Hazel said.

“Wait- Agnes? Hazel and then Dave? What about me? I thought we had something,” Klaus cried. “Was it just a lie, all that time. Us eloping into the Forbidden Forest, or leaping off the astronomy tower like Romeo and Juliet. Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”

“I thought _I_ was your Romeo,” Dave countered. Klaus’ heart stuttered in his chest as Dave grabbed onto his arm, pressing a kiss to the air inches from his hand. There was a smirk on his face, a mischievous look rare on Gryffindor’s golden boy.

Klaus gave him an unimpressed up-and-down. “Hmm, I think I’ll stick to our fair princess,” Klaus said.

Dave gaped. “Agnes? What say you? Have both my lovers rejected me?”

“Sorry, buddy,” Hazel answered for her, sweeping Agnes into a kiss. Klaus made fake gagging sounds off to the side as Ben cheered the end of their Shakespearean play. Dave was laughing beside him, and Klaus wished he could sweep him into a kiss too. Those lips were so pink and soft. . .

“Klaus,” Ben said quietly. He looked apologetic, gesturing to the clock across from them. Klaus’s thoughts immediately fired up: _Thank God, thank Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour, thank the old gods and the new, thank you even to Zeus- actually, no. Fuck Zeus. Wait, that was probably the wrong thing to say too-_

“ _If_ I was going to date a girl, I promise it’d be you,” Dave said. _Wait, what?_

“Klaus,” Ben said again. Klaus slapped himself internally, trying to focus back on the stream of nonsense coming out of everyone’s mouth until it was. . .somewhat coherent. “Are you high again?”

“Why would you ask that?” The words tumbled out of his mouth, a little hurt, before he could stop them. Dave was looking at him, all concerned- and that. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

Ben cringed. “Right, sorry- I didn’t- Klaus. . .Hey, Agnes?” She turned from talking to Hazel to him. “We’re on a bit of a schedule. Sorry, we’ll see you at school?”

“Oh, you’re leaving already!” Agnes said. “I’ll be sending chocolate, plenty of chocolate.” They weren’t allowed to eat chocolate, but it was a nice sentiment, Klaus supposed. “Come hither, dears.”

It was definitely a sweet sentiment. Klaus smiled despite himself when Agnes wrapped him into a hug first. “We have five other thieves in our house, you know.” Her hair tickled his nose as she laughed.

“Yes, yes, I’ll be sure to send extra then.” Agnes kissed his cheek, then moved on to hug Ben, leaving Klaus face to face with Dave.

“I’ll find you at Kings Cross,” Dave said.

“Oh, please don’t,” Klaus groaned. “You don’t know my family well enough to know that’s a bad idea, and I promise you, you don’t _want_ to know them.”

“They can’t be that bad-” Klaus’ eyebrows shot up- “If I see you, I see you, no promises.”

Klaus sighed, settling for his answer. He already knew what was going to happen, because Murphy’s Law was his best friend. And then Dave hugged him. He was the polar opposite of Klaus. Muscle where Klaus was all bones, stockier, stronger limbs where Klaus was gangly and thin. Warm skin where Klaus was cold. Dave pulled away, and Klaus searched for his breath- searched for his voice. “Bye.”

What the hell else was he supposed to say? Dave smiled, oh-so-softly. “Bye, Klaus.”

Klaus backed away with as little awkwardness as he could manage, and immediately spun around and walked out the door with a backwards wave. “See you at Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts!” And then- “Hazel! Bye!”

The bell chimed as he left, and Klaus could almost sense Ben right on his heels. They walked a few paces away from the shop, the weight of Ben’s gaze on him all the way. He wanted to say something, even to tell him to stop, but Klaus knew that wasn’t what was going to come out of his mouth. If he said anything, Ben won. It was a game. And Ben was patient. . .

Klaus stared ahead resolutely, forcing one foot in front of the other until they were past the line and back into the heart of Diagon Alley. He pressed his lips together, refusing to speak. Ben’s stare somehow became more pointed. “OH- what do you want, huh? What do you want me to say? I don’t have anything to say, I don’t have an answer. What the hell was I thinking? I don’t know! I don’t think anything! It’s all just a jumbled mess up here, is that what you wanted to hear? I’m a jumbled mess and I just melt and short circuit when he comes around and- what? What?”

Klaus rounded on Ben. His brother’s face was a mask of calm, one eyebrow raised casually.

“So,” Ben said. “Dave, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I saw one episode of this show and I was. . .obsessed. Also, Ellen Page and Klaus Hargreeves are my forever Gay Icons. So here we are! I've got like 3 UA fics planned and partially written, some farther along than others. . .and I have nothing to say for myself. Chapter two for this is like, halfway done? So it shouldn't be too long before the next part if everything goes according to plan, but it's me so we'll see. I hope you enjoyed this snippet! Leave a comment or take a second to leave kudos so I know who you are!


	2. Train, Strike Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~A brief recap because it's been a while since the first chapter~  
> The Hargreeves fam went to Diagon Alley, Klaus and Ben went to the ice cream shop where they ran into the friend group of Agnes, Hazel, and. . .DAVE! Lots of exposition, lots of exposition, Klaus is a disaster gay and Dave is oblivious, Ben can't shut up about anything, the end. Welcome to Chapter 2!

It was a dreary day. Rainy, grey, cloudy, dark, not a speck of sunlight but plenty of icy water. It came down in sheets, and when the wind blew it crashed against the car windows. Although it _was_ good for one thing- it matched Klaus’ mood. There was something satisfying about staring dramatically out a window, especially while lightning flashed outside. Klaus could understand why Diego brooded so much.

“You were _shy,”_ Ben insisted. His tone was a harsh whisper, and Klaus would’ve snapped for him to keep his voice down if it weren’t for the five other teenagers either singing atrociously or carrying on their own conversations. And by “conversations” he meant “scream-talking to be heard over ‘Africa’ blasting through the speakers”.

“Klaus Hargreeves is not shy!” Klaus hissed back. He fiddled with his tie. It felt too tight. Everything felt too tight, and the car too small. Klaus looked to the front, past where Mom was driving and Diego was fiddling with his wand. They were pulling up to Kings Cross, formed of three tower-like structures and two arches in between, with the rest of the station rolling out behind. He was either going to find death or escape there, and the thought was making him jittery.

“Exactly, which makes that entire conversation interesting,” Ben continued.

“He doesn’t like me.”

“I didn’t say anything about that.” Ben dodged Klaus as he went to shove him. He laughed even as he crammed his body against the opposite car door to keep out of Klaus’ reach. “You heard what he said to Agnes! _If_ he was going to date a girl-”

“I can’t believe you’re still talking about this! He doesn’t like me!” Klaus ripped his tie off and unbuttoned his shirt. He couldn’t _breathe._ The car rolled to a stop. “I’m about as straight as a circle, and he’s about as straight as a pole.”

“Didn’t you hear?” Klaus and Ben both jumped, whipping around to see Allison lean up between the seats from behind them. There was a smirk curling her lips, and Klaus didn’t like that spark in her eyes. Nobody was supposed to know about this. Nobody. “This is about Dave, isn’t it? Everybody knows he came out to his parents over the summer.”

Klaus groaned. “Why’d you have to keep talking about it!” He succeeded this time in jabbing Ben, who cackled in between clutching his ribs. Klaus turned Allison’s words over in his head. “How do you know that’s even true? I doubt _everybody-”_

“I thought you were the one that said not to assume,” Allison said cheekily.

“Well. He’ll have to tell me himself.”

“We’ve arrived, dears,” Mom announced, cutting off any continued conversation. “Are you all ready for the new year?” She smiled back at them as they chorused contradicting ‘Yes, Mom’s and ‘NO!’s. Klaus had teamed up with Allison to make sure she was dressed like a proper witch this time, or at least more like someone from the 21st century and not like she had stepped out of the 50s. A long purple cloak covered her flowered dress, and they’d wiped off her usual red lipstick.

_“It attracts 7.3 seconds of attention,”_ Five had thrown in when they first talked about it. They struggled to pile out of the car and into the rain after passing back umbrellas. Klaus felt rain whipping at his knees, soaking into his stupid little socks.

He waited impatiently for the others to pull their belongings out of the boot. “Does he know about you?” Allison asked casually, walking up to Klaus’ side. She twirled her umbrella over her shoulder, looking impossibly graceful even as her hair frizzed up from the rain.

Klaus gave a heavy sigh, looking up to the heavens above in all their flat grey glory. “Dear sister, dear darling, when have I ever done anything to suggest that _I_ was a heterosexual.”

“True,” Allison said, rather contemplatively. “I don’t know how you’ve fooled dad for this long.” Five and Vanya split off from their group, wonderful, unobtrusive Five and Vanya, who had sat singing and minding their own business in the very back of the car (or cheap rental minivan, really, not that anyone was about to call it that) and were now heading towards the station to continue doing so. Luther pulled everything left out of the boot, laying it out on the cement under as much cover from his and Diego’s umbrellas as possible.

Ben was practically bouncing on Klaus’ other side. “So-"

“NO. Nope, nothing,” Klaus cut in, just as Luther approached, rolling a large wooden trunk with one hand and offering Allison her own with the other.

“What’re you up to?” Luther asked, giving Klaus and Ben a suspicious look.

“Nothing!” Klaus said, waving Luther and Allison on. “You two go ahead, we’re right behind you. Don’t want to stand in the rain all day, do you?”

Luther hesitated. “My hair’s getting wilder by the second,” Allison said, throwing a wink Klaus’ way before hooking Luther’s arm with hers, dragging him along with her. _‘This isn’t over’_ she mouthed over her shoulder. Klaus almost flipped her off, but Mom was still standing behind him and Allison had at least done him the smallest of favors.

Klaus moved to collect his trunk while Diego closed up the car, narrowing his eyes as Ben grabbed his and had the audacity to look affronted. “Oh, come on, Klaus. I’m not _that_ bad-” Klaus gave him a look “-okay, fine, but you’re going to have to deal with this at some point.”

“No, actually, I think if I ignore the problem enough it’ll go away,” Klaus countered, trudging through the puddles scattered across the lot. Ben rolled his eyes, playfully knocking Klaus’ umbrella with his own.

Water showered down over his head. “B-ben, what the- aurgh-” Klaus spluttered. It was everywhere, absolutely everywhere.

“I’m sorry!” Ben reached out a hand towards Klaus on instinct, but that only splashed more water at his face.

Droplets soaked into his hair and ran down his temples, already seeping into his clothes. Klaus shook his head, trying to free some of the water. A cold stream ran down his spine.  “Great. Great! I’m going to look like a total kook when he sees me now!”

“Do you not usually?” Another teasing voice- this time Diego’s. He had an almost sharp look in his eye Klaus didn’t like- Diego plus anything “sharp” was trouble. “So who’s this about?”

This just kept getting better and better.

 

~~~

 

Klaus had thought the low point was each of his nosier siblings popping up, one after another, for a reiteration of the story. (Not including Vanya and Five, because they understand privacy, unlike some other people, thank you very much, Ben. And also Vanya was a fellow Ravenclaw and she already knew all his secrets. And also she can keep quiet about things, BEN. )

Of course, he’d been wrong. Perhaps it was his own fault for jinxing it and believing that everything might actually get better from there- because how could it? After a full-scale interrogation from Diego, they had managed to make it all the way out of the parking lot and onto Platform 9 ¾. . .while he was still looking like a wet dog.

So maybe his hair had been getting a bit long and so maybe he’d been refusing to let anyone touch it, but it was also curly enough that it kept out of his face. The problem was, when it was soaking wet it pulled down longer until it was a slick mop on top of his head, draping down into his eyes. And he was still cold. Thanks, BEN.

“Alright, okay- I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Ben finally surrendered, stowing away the offending umbrella. Their family had reassembled on the platform, shaking the water off their trunks and robes. Klaus’ teeth were chattering, and he jumped from foot to foot in an attempt to keep warm.

“Five, your books,” Mom said, handing a bundle wrapped in twine to an irritable Number Five. He turned a kind look towards her that he didn’t offer to any of the others as he took them. “Vanya, check that your violin isn’t soaked. Diego dear, you can’t bring knives with you on the train. At the very least put them in your trunk.” They shuffled closer to the train, listening to Mom’s comments to each of them. “Klaus, do you have a change of clothes? Would you like my cloak?”

Klaus smiled, shaking his head. “I’ve got my school robes. Thanks, Mom.”

“Alright,” Mom said, pulling Diego and Luther towards her, and gesturing for the others. They clustered around her in a very cold and wet group hug (in which Klaus made sure to transfer some water to Ben). “And stop teasing your brother, all of you.”

And it was exactly two and a half counts later that the worst possible situation presented itself. Dave had spotted him from across the platform and started straight towards him. His hair was perfectly in place, not a drop of rain on him, and he wore a baby blue jumper with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Now, normally, this would be perhaps an ideal outcome.

His crush noticing him and excitedly greeting him, a nice reunion after the long weeks since the Diagon Alley encounter- but the fact that his siblings were there was more than a minor hiccup. “Dave! My friend, mi amigo,” Klaus called back. Dave looked like he was about to hug him, but his trajectory was slowed by spotting the entirety of the Hargreeves family behind Klaus.

“Klaus, it’s good to see you,” Dave said, and Klaus was divided between being disappointed at the missed opportunity or grateful that Dave hadn’t embarrassed him. “Are you cold? You’ve dragged in the whole storm.”

Klaus shook his head, waving a dismissing hand at the trail of water behind him. “I’m fine!” he said, but his chattering teeth gave him away.

Dave drew his wand. “Do you trust me?” He received a blank look. “Warming spell, I promise I won’t burn you.

“As long as you don’t turn me into the Hound, I’m happy,” Klaus said. It was Dave’s turn for confusion. “The Hound? With the burned face? Game of Thrones? Aren’t you a muggleborn- wait, I’m gonna stop while I’m ahead, nevermind. I’m rambling now. I’m. . .I’m going to stop.”

“No worries,” Dave said, and he didn’t laugh at Klaus like one of his siblings would’ve. “It’s all that summer slide, messing us up.”

Klaus snapped his fingers. “Summer Slide! Now _that’s_ a muggle thing!” Dave smiled, shaking his head fondly. “Okay, please help me, I’m catching my death here.”

With a simple flick of his wand and a muttered spell, the rain evaporated right from his skin, a wave of warmth spreading from his head to his toes. The cold seeped from his bones. “All better.”

Dave put away his wand with a warm smile. “Thanks,” Klaus said. He could feel that warmth settling on his cheeks.

“Dave! Hey, DAVE!” Klaus was snapped out of his daze as Agnes came barreling through the crowd from across the platform, enveloping Dave in a hug. She was grinning from ear-to-ear, locking eyes with Klaus as he tipped an imaginary hat in greeting. A thought came to him, and Klaus whipped around. Most of his siblings stood several paces back watching him, Ben nearest as he sorted through their bags.

“You could’ve done that the whole time?” Klaus hissed, but Ben just laughed.

Then he realized that ignoring him might’ve been the better option because Diego broke away and stepped up right next to him. “Hey, brother,” Diego said, giving a nod far too cool for Klaus to ever attempt. Dave exchanged one of those fist-bump-half-hug things with him, and Klaus’ only thought was: _oh, heteros. . ._ immediately followed up by, _well he better not be!_ “Agnes, it’s been a while.”

Ugh, they were all so charmed by Diego- he was a total brat at home, but he seemed to be capable of garnering some charisma just to spite Klaus. Klaus narrowed his eyes and sensing his glare, Diego threw him a smirk. “Are you going for Chaser again?” Diego asked, patting Dave’s shoulder.

“Earth to Klaus-” his eyes snapped to Agnes. She wore an oversized yellow sweater (Hufflepuff colours, _of course)_ and was missing her usual counterpart. “Do you have all your stuff? Cha-Cha’s already saving a compartment for us.”

“Yup, I packed the ocean,” Klaus answered. He squinted at his trunk- would that same spell from earlier help fix it?

Agnes laughed. “Oh, I packed more than that. An ocean of water, yes, but an ocean of textbooks and plenty of chocolate to get me through the year. I don’t know why I thought arithmancy was a good idea.”

“I never even _considered_ taking it. That sounds like teenage torture.”

“It is. They gave us summer work. Which never happens- and then we were supposed to decode scripts without any wands. Who made the curriculum? It’s like they live in the Dark Ages.”

Klaus put on his serious face. “It was definitely the Bloody Baron. Or Grindelwald. Bets on Grindelwald!

“Two Knuts,” Agnes said.

“Your dreams are so small,” Klaus sighed. “Oh, to be young.”

“Do you want to get on before the firsties?” Klaus startled as Dave reentered the conversation, already done with Diego as the other boy went to get his trunk.

“Yes, _puh-lease,_ ” Klaus agreed. He tried to remember who Cha-Cha was, he knew he’d met her at least once before. Ah! That Slytherin girl that poured a tube of bearded dragon guts in the professor’s tea. Klaus liked her. He grinned. “She’s a godsend.”

“No, she just doesn’t like firsties,” Dave said jokingly.

“Is Hazel coming?”

“Obviously,” Agnes said. She giggled at something behind him, and Klaus saw Ben stick up his hands next to his ears, wiggling his fingers and crossing his eyes.

Klaus stuck his tongue out at Ben. “Will we fill all the seats?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Good.”

“Oh, there he is,” Agnes said. Klaus found where she was looking- on the other side of the station, Hazel was trying to wrestle an owl back into its cage. “Klaus, would you help save the compartment? Dave and I are gonna get Hazel. And afterwards, you are going to tell us all about Romania.”

“Deal!” He needed to say goodbye to Mom anyway. Dave thanked him, and the pair left just as the bird escaped from Hazel’s grip, flying up towards the ceiling. _This is why you always cast anchor spells. Yuck, I sound like Five._ Behind him all but Diego and Ben had left, the former immediately locking eyes with him. Diego tapped a spot on his waist, but thanks to Mom, there was nothing to be seen. Klaus raised his voice above the chaos of the station. “Fight me, you Dothraki knife-wielding 13th-century weirdo! Go get a bow and arrow!”

Diego looked unimpressed. Klaus’ voice cracked from all the shouting, and Diego was quick to start mocking him. He held out his hand in a faux-dainty way, draping his other hand over his eyes and pretending to faint. Klaus’ very being was appalled.

“What did you tell him, you asshole.” Klaus knew exactly who’d spilled the damn beans. Ben just copied Diego’s movements and took a moment to curtsy too. Okay, now Klaus was ready to throw down. He stormed over to them- Ben was going to stop sitting on his damn trunk, and they were going to- well, physical fights weren’t really his thing, but he was definitely going to get back at Ben _somehow._

“I love you too, dear,” Klaus heard Mom say. She was speaking to Diego- once again, the charisma just to spite him.

“ _Mom,”_ Klaus started, “Can you please tell Ben to _get off_ my trunk.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Ben countered.

“I will slurp your kneecaps.”

“I’ll steal your tonsils!”

“Boys-” Mom’s voice shut both of them up- “This is going to be a very good year, whether you like it or not. You’re getting older now, can’t you get along?”

Klaus pouted. “I don’t mean it. Much.”

“ _Klaus.”_

He waved his hands at Ben, whose arms were crossed as he smirked at Klaus. “Can I get my trunk?”

“Ben?”

“Thank you,” Klaus said pointedly, and Ben reluctantly hopped off, nudging it towards Klaus with his foot. And then, as pompous as possible, “And now, I am going to sit with my _friends._ If you manage to become more respectable, perhaps you may join me in a future event.”

“Who says I want to sit with you, loser?” Ben joked, and Klaus almost reached out to shove him until he remembered Mom’s presence. And anyway, there was never any bite to what Ben did. Sometimes Diego really did grate on his nerves, but Ben had a kind of natural easiness Klaus credited to him being a Hufflepuff.

“Are you missing anything?” Mom asked. Klaus didn’t know how she remained patient with all of them, enough to ask each of them that question like five times in one morning. It was probably because robot patience is frikin' eternal.

“Nope,” he answered, “Is Reggie letting us come home for Christmas?”

“Luther convinced him,” Mom said. She smiled at each of them in kind. “Now you all listen to your professors and be kind to your classmates, Reginald and I will be speaking with the headmistress if you don’t. If you need anything, owl right home and I’ll do what I can.”

“We know,” Diego said, and they chorused their ‘I love you’s’ to her.

“Toodles!” Klaus hugged her first, saying his final goodbyes. If it weren’t for Mom, living in the Hargreeves household would be hellish. As it happened, she and Pogo reigned Reggie in, and the most trouble Klaus got was from his own annoying siblings.

“ _Toodles,”_ Mom replied, smiling at him fondly. He saw Diego shuffle over to give her another hug before he turned around, rolling his trunk across the station before Ben could follow. They’d arrived a little earlier than usual, and students were still appearing in the station, firsties still talking with their parents. Klaus squinted at the spot where Hazel had been and saw him laughing with his parents as Dave spoke, his owl now successfully back in its cage.

At least twelve separate people nearly sent Klaus flying to the ground, but all in all, he made it to the train in one piece. He’d even ducked someone’s canary before it scratched his face. (And who brings a canary to Hogwarts? Was there a dress code for animals? An animal-code?)

Getting his trunk onto the steps was a pain, but the corridors were easier to navigate, only four or five people checking through compartments. He should’ve asked if they knew where Cha-Cha was even sitting. “You- you! Is it Aspen?” Klaus called to the nearest person.

The girl turned around. Thank the gods he got the name right, that would’ve been awkward.

“Aspen Hallewell, at your service,” the girl said, an amused gleam in her eye. A sheet of sleek, inky hair fell down her back, and her dark eyes were painted gold and black. Effortless confidence and grace oozed from her every pore, something in the twist of her lips permanently wry. The sense of old money and good breeding, though Hallewell was no Pureblood name. Over her crisp white shirt hung an emerald tie- what was with everyone and wearing House colours?

“Do you know Cha-Cha? Slytherin, kinda tall, I think she’s in our year.” Way to go with the vague descriptions, Klaus. “Any idea where her compartment is?”

Aspen tilted her head, eyeing him curiously. She had a weighty gaze, one you couldn't ignore. She nodded. As long as she got it, Klaus supposed. “In the back, on the left, a few compartments from the end.”

“Awesome-sauce. Thanks!” Klaus looked down the long line of compartments. So the hike began. He should really try to remember that weird levitation spell.

“You’re Klaus Hargreeves,” Aspen said. Klaus paused. “You’re Vanya’s brother.”

“The one and only,” Klaus replied.

Aspen opened her mouth then closed it again rapidly like she’d started something without knowing where she was going with it. Her confidence cracked. “Um. It’s nice to meet you." Klaus had heard many a witch and wizard say those words in tight, imperiously polite ways. The kind of polite that said I'm-better-than-you. With Aspen's looks, he could imagine her exact frigid tone, the sweeping judgemental glance, but instead, she looked unsure. Eyes shooting to the compartments and over his shoulder as if staring at him was suddenly too much. "Tell Vanya I said hi?"

That was odd. Not that he was judging, because the fractures beneath Aspen's put-togetherness seemed sweet and Klaus was very, _very,_ far from being Casanova. “I’ll tell her,” Klaus agreed. Aspen nodded curtly and Klaus gave her a two-fingered salute before continuing on. He was definitely going to be pestering Vanya about that.

The train was fairly quiet and most of the people still outside, so Klaus could safely open compartments without barging in on strangers. He made it to the end of the train uninterrupted and began opening doors until he finally recognized the inhabitant.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while. Dave and Agnes sent me ahead,” Klaus said the moment he slid the door open, already lugging his trunk in.

“Hi.” Cha-Cha was flipping through the latest edition of the Quibbler- _the Quibbler._ Klaus’ first thought was that it didn’t seem her style, and his second thought was that he didn’t know anything about her at all. She could often be found with Hazel somewhere around the school, as the two had grown up in Godric’s Hollow together, but she tended not to be with the full group.

“The Quibbler, that’s interesting. I went on one of their Crumple-Horned Snorkack expeditions before,” Klaus began rambling, closing the door on his fate behind him and picking up the first topic that popped into his head. “Didn’t find any. I mean, not that I’d know if we had, considering I don’t know what they look like. What the hell _is_ a Snorkack, anyway? And ‘Crumple’ just sounds like an off-brand pastry to me.”

Cha-Cha didn’t reply. She gave him a cool look over the top of the magazine, then flipped the page and scanned it. “What kind of dragons were they?”

“Dragons?” Klaus struggled to haul his trunk onto the shelf- he could barely get it past his shoulders.

“Romania?”

“Oh, right.” He dropped the trunk a little too fast, almost landing it right on his toe. “I was a little too busy getting extreme laser eyebrow treatment to stop and look. I was _crispy_ by the end of it. Felt like a fried chicken.” Klaus cursed his stupid, skinny arms. He might be tall, but the shelf was taller.

_“Wingardium Leviosa,”_ Cha-Cha cast, with sharp effectiveness. Klaus’ trunk levitated out of his hands and smoothly past him onto the shelf.

Klaus grinned at her. “I swear I passed First Year charms.”

“Has anyone informed you that you talk too much.” Cha-Cha tucked her wand away again, everything so effortless.

“I’ve got three people telling me every day,” Klaus said. Then, just to spite her. “My brother Luther’s always telling _everyone_ to shut up, so it’s not like it’s a big deal- and kind of so does Diego, although he mostly tells Luther to shut up, which works for me since it means less telling _me_ to shut up from both of them because they keep each other occupied-”

“I get the point,” Cha-Cha sighed.

Klaus sank into the seat across from her, folding his legs criss-cross applesauce on it. “Whatcha readin’?”

She didn’t look up from the Quibbler this time, just carefully finished the line she was on before reading the next piece aloud. “On a rainy day, if you are to feel your spirits lifted, and are to find yourself having lived in a cottage in the woods for many years, there may be some curious spirits among you. Wood-watchers; beautiful and humble, kind creatures, are all the species of the forest-”

“Who wrote that one?” Klaus leaned forwards, propping up his chin on his hand and scanning the back of the magazine. “Luna Lovegood?”

“It does sound like her,” Cha-Cha agreed. She inspected the article, finding the author. “Luna Lovegood- _Scamander_ now. Fitting.”

“Scamander? Isn’t he the one that wrote ‘Fantastic Beasts’?”

Cha-Cha started off with a look like she thought he was stupid, but it morphed into a laugh. “I’d hope not, Newt’s a little old. She married his grandson or something. They’ve got two kids in Hogwarts right now.”

“OH!” Klaus grinned victoriously. “I know who they are.”

“Congratulations,” she said dryly. The compartment door slid open.

“No. No, no, no, and no,” Klaus said, the moment he recognized the boy trying to drag his trunk through the doorway.

“They kicked me out!” Ben exclaimed, one hand gesticulating wildly while his other finally pulled the trunk into the compartment. It looked as big as him- actually, Ben had once hidden in it during a game of hide-and-seek, so it very likely was. (Hopped in it and promptly fell too far, since the Undetectable Extension Charm hadn’t been taken off it, putting him in a ten-foot-deep hole of his own creation. Five had opened the trunk, taken one look at him, and shut it again, leaving Diego and Klaus to save him.)

“Is that your brother?” Cha-Cha asked.

Klaus sighed. “Uh-huh. Ben, not today, I mean it.”

“No funny business, I promise!” Ben said, drawing his wand to levitate his trunk. It nearly hit Klaus in the face on the way up, and he didn’t dare try to grab it lest he get crushed. “I’ll sit here, and I’ll be quiet and I’ll. . .well, I won’t bother you any.”

“ _You’ll_ be quiet?”

Ben raised his hands as if to prove his point, fingers sailing through the air almost too fast and sloppy for Klaus to catch all the signs. “Don’t act like it’s some crazy concept, you’re worse than I am Mr.-” Klaus managed to interpret of Ben’s sign language before he paused, too impatient to spell it out with his clumsy letters. “Kooky and Spooky,” he finished, aloud. Cha-Cha inclined her head in agreement so slightly Klaus almost missed it.

“There you go, bringing it up,” Klaus signed back, then to Cha-Cha, “You don’t know us!” But apparently, she knew sign. So much for a “secret language”. They’d all picked it up back when sign was the quickest way for Diego to talk to them, although Klaus and Ben were definitely better at reading than signing.

Cha-Cha shook her head and smirked, diving back into the Quibbler. He squinted at her clothes. She was already dressed in her Slytherin uniform, and though Klaus wasn’t wet and cold anymore, he still wanted to change. “I’m going to get these stupid shorts off, and when I come back. . .” Ben was giving him the damn puppy eyes. “Fine, okay? Fine, but when I come back, you better not talk about- _it._ ”

Ben glanced at Cha-Cha surreptitiously, grinning. “Gotcha.” This was probably a mistake, a huge mistake, but what the hell, this was Ben. Dare he say it, his favorite brother, and he couldn’t kick him to the curb- or another compartment, in good conscience.

Also, Ben was good with a wand and could summon his uniform for him instead of Klaus having to get crushed by his trunk to dig it out. He demanded his toll, and Ben procured it, Klaus giving up his seat in return. He clutched his robes to his chest and stepped out into the corridor, just as the train lurched into motion.

“Ah- shit-” He stumbled forwards, trying to put out a foot and stop his descent, only to trip as the floor swayed. Klaus could see the ground swimming, coming right at him- and then it stopped. Steady hands grabbed his arms, and he crashed into a solid chest instead.

“You alright?” Klaus blinked, his brain taking a long moment to catch up to what had happened. His pulse had jumped to twice the speed in his panic.

“Yeah,” he breathed. Dave straightened him, holding him up until his feet were properly beneath him. _Stupid, stupid, Gryffindor Golden Boy, perfect little stupid Dave_ \- there was no way he’d ever fancy someone like Klaus. He was a mess, a heckin’ mess that had just made a fool of himself for the- how many times today, now?

But Dave never laughed at him. That was worse- because if Dave laughed, Klaus could be miffed and embarrassed and start killing his crush, but Dave never laughed at him, only with him. The giggle rose unwillingly as he looked at Dave’s wide-eyed expression. Oh, his concern was so _cute._

“Was Cha-Cha nice? I’ll have a talk with her if not,” Dave said, and Klaus giggled some more.

“She was great. This is great. I’m fantastic,” Klaus said. Klaus smiled at Dave, and Dave smiled back. He was always on Klaus’ side- maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I wonder who's calling me, is it- procrastination? I'm so shocked! So this is really late, but I'm just going to pretend that it's my special gift to you, so uhh, happy Pride Month! Thank you guys so much for reading and leaving kudos on here! (Edit: Now it's been a while, but TKFY is part of my Nanowrimo, so chapter 3 will finally be coming out soon. Thanks for sticking around! Love ya'll, bye!)


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